As I posted earlier, my neurosurgeon finally cleared me to resume working, when I feel ready, for as many hours per week as I can handle. (Or think I can handle.) So today, I started the transition back to work. And it was a bumpy ride.
While I'm not officially back at work, I went to work today to meet with ergonomic consultants. They assess my office and recommended improvements that should take some strain off my neck and back.
Last night, I was terribly excited. I got to say "I need to get ready for work tomorrow" for the first time in 20 months. It was fun... I rounded up some holiday cards that I wanted to give out to my coworkers, an award plaque that I needed to turn over to the company president, and some paperwork for the ergonomics people. I plunked all of that into a lightweight laptop tote that I bought months ago and had been waiting to use. I even picked out what I wanted to wear and set it aside.
This morning, I got up earlier than usual and spent a silly amount of time getting my hair and clothes just right. Then I hopped in the car with my spiffy tote and a bright red trench coat (it was raining), and hummed my way to the office. I felt like it was the first day of school as I marched into the building with my new tote and my cute hair.
The ergonomic evaluation went well, although I know my company may balk at the cost of some of the office improvements the ergo people are likely to recommend. I had hoped my company would have a check ready to pay the consultants, but that did not happen. It was a slightly bad sign. I can't tell how committed the company is to making my workspace work for my new neck.
The really bumpy part came after the ergo evaluation, when my direct supervisor and I sat down to chat about how my return to work would happen. He and I had previously chatted online about me possibly working on Mondays and Thursdays, from 10 to 3 or similar, with a one-hour lunch break. So he wanted to confirm that plan. No big deal.
We also discussed which week I would officially resume working... which is likely to be the week of January 14. I have facet injections scheduled for Jan. 8 to reduce the nerve pain in my arms, so it makes sense to start after the injections have kicked in. This was a little bumpier discussion, because there is a chance that the facet injections will not work, and I will still have enough arm nerve pain on Jan. 14 to want to continue medical leave.
We also discussed what my company lovingly calls "workflow integration". Namely, how I will wind up having work to do when I'm at work. My company consults for other companies, doing planning, analysis, and communications/outreach work. So I don't have a steady assignment to work on (it's not like I'm a reference librarian and know I will be working at the reference desk every day). Our company gets money to write this report or analyze that topic, to conduct this planning session or develop that outreach document. Pieces of these projects get passed on to me, so to stay busy at work, I depend on other people deciding they need my help on a project. (I can attempt to reduce my dependence on others by winning my own contract work, but at this point, I don't have the energy.) If I don't have client work to do, I bill my time to company overhead. And that is very bad indeed... do that often enough, for long enough, and you will get canned. (You're not making any money for the company.)
This "workflow integration" is tricky business for so many reasons. If I'm only available two half-days per week, how much work can I even actually get done? Not too much, and not very quickly (in terms of calendar deadlines). Which makes other people much less likely to give me a piece of their project... it's not worth the hassle if I can only provide such limited help. My boss and I discussed that I could simply serve as a team helper... if someone on my team is overloaded with work, I can take on some of it to give them room to breathe. We also talked about perhaps trying to concoct small, non-urgent projects that I could do by myself for our existing clients. How many of these exist, though? Probably not many. We also talked about how I could contribute to internal team efforts related to marketing our services and such. That would be good... these things have been neglected for so long that no one is in a hurry to finish them. But these projects don't make money for the company, so I can only do so many before I get fired.
Also, if I'm only available two half-days per week, how can I manage client relationships? That used to be part of my job... being the primary point of contact, someone who talks with our clients regularly, solves problems, manages workloads and budgets, tries to get more business with the client, etc. I can't solve a problem that arises at 5 p.m. on a Tuesday evening if I'm not in the office, and there are very few clients in this world who want a part-time project manager. Their businesses move too quickly for that.
Also, my company's business planning model relies on personnel who are available on a full-time schedule. Period. They don't plan for people who work a 20% or even 50% schedule. And this is largely due to time constraints... our clients need things done fairly quickly, so we plan to throw X number of full-timers on the project until it's done. So there are very few assignments available right now that have the kind of long-term deadlines that would allow me to be part of the project work team.
My boss and I also talked about being sensitive to others' feelings. I wasn't a rock star when I left work on medical leave, but I was showing promise and doing good work (good enough to get a decent 6-month raise). Being at work one day and literally out of commission the next left a large gap. An entry-level coworker stepped in and has done a tremendous job while I've been away. She's grown from being a project worker to a project leader and now has client management responsibilities. My boss doesn't want her to feel slighted or eclipsed or in any way undermined by my return. I get that.
I don't plan to be feted upon my return. I don't expect to be handed big important assignments. I don't even expect for many of my coworkers (outside of my immediate team) to know I'm back at work. I do plan to be ignored, underutilized, and a great source of puzzlement to my boss. I represent a challenge he has never faced.
And at the heart of it all, I'm simply so incredibly grateful that my company is willing to take me back and work with me as I gradually increase to a 20- or 30-hour work week. Today, I kept telling my boss "I'm here to help." Period. They could have terminated me after my first 12 weeks of medical leave, but they chose to keep my employment open. They could have refused my request for an ergonomic assessment, but they have promised to pay the fee. I will do whatever work I am asked to do, and cheerfully, too.
The conversations today have raised one unsettling issue. I can't tell if my boss is trying to tell me "Hey, we're going to give this a try, but I don't think it's really going to work for us (the company)." He did tell me that he thinks I have valuable skills and can make good contributions to the team's work. But he does seem profoundly confused about what to do with me as a limited part-time employee.
The concept of this not working out makes me want to vomit. I do not want to have to hunt for a more appropriate job (I have no idea what a more appropriate job would even be, but I'm sure it would involve a pay cut.)
Fingers crossed. Let's hope that my boss and I can be mature enough and open enough to find a way to make this work! I'll post more about my return to work as I get to it and through it.